Friday, June 23, 2017

On a side note,

I realized I've been quite negatively emotional inside these few weeks, though the outer me is still cheerful and annoying. I'm always being asked "You're okay? How was your day?"  Every. Single. Day. But I can never really talk about this "feeling not enough & i suck" feelings. Not sure why, probably because it's just an old war between me and myself, ignited once again.

But then again, enough is enough, right?

"So what do you want to do about it?"  I was asked after I rant on how useless I am.

Then it hit me. Here I am, whining and dissing my own self for being pathetic, but I never really try as hard as I can to improve myself on what I lack. I've tried before, I did, but those efforts always stopped midway before it went down the drain - reasons (or more like excuses): failure, no time, demotivated, lost of interest, preferring to live in the comfort zone for the rest of my life.

Nothing will work unless you do.

That's what it says on my laptop's screensaver.

I can't cook/bake; I did learn a few lauk with mama during post-spm hols, and I made my own kuih cornflakes this year (which turned out fine, btw alhamdulillah) but I never tried to cook on my own, plan what to cook for the day etc.

I can't drive; I didn't finish my driving lessons because I got sick towards the end of the holidays, and by then we got too  busy with matrics preparation. But abah had been asking me to continue it during this holiday, but I just got lazy and decided to live with lrt and grab.

I've never gotten a job; I've been planning to work in kindergartens/daycares near my house, but I never make the effort to make the call.

And the list goes on.

I am not capable of doing things, because I choose to not to.
And for that, I am not entitled to complain and blame anyone, because I made myself this way.

But let's not hate myself some more, hey?

The choice is up to me, whether to make a change for myself or to continue living in self dissatisfaction like this. You can do this, Hani. It's never too late to start.

When I was too busy pointing out all the faults in me, Allah reminded me that not all is lost - it is only up to me whether I am to focus on the goods and be grateful, and in the meantime working on towards being a better person, or to just drown myself in a pool of negativity and self hate.

This marks the final end of my matriculation program in Kolej Matrikulasi Selangor, and hey, 2016 /2017 Hani, you actually made it out alive, and with excellence you did. I am proud of you, I love you, and I believe that you will do well in everything that you do, under one condition: that you pray and work for it, with all your heart.

Also, big hugs to this blog and you readers for sticking up with me during the dooms and glooms of matrics life. I owe you guys lots.

May Allah give us the strength and wisdom in everything we aspire to do/be,
and may we always be among His grateful servants.

“Lainsyakartum laaziidannakum walainkarfartum inna ‘adzaabii lasyadid.” 

Jika kalian bersyukur pasti akan Aku tambah nikmatku padamu tetapi jika kalian kufur sesungguhnya azabku amat pedih”. (QS 14:7)

Syukur, dan Allah tambah.

p/s: shoutout to El, thankyou. :)